Wednesday, July 17, 2013

@Nerducken's timeline on Twitter

Tweets

  1. Not to brag but I do get followed alot in real life too you know..by security guards in stores...cops..hobos..and lots of animals.
  2. I was going to block someone for something he said, but he follows me. My principles only go so far.
  3. Piece together our Tweets and create a portrayal of a life that you can accurately judge...we fucking dare you.
  4. Let's role play. You be the great tweeter and I'll be the great follower.
  5. I'm a warrior with a giant lollipop
  6. "Maybe next time he'll think before he tweets." Carrie Underwood. Probably.
  7. Time is money. Neither are real.
  8. "NOT ON MY WATCH!" - guy who (inexplicably) doesn't want one of those supercool tiny calculators on his watch
  9. You know, Eleanor Rigby? I fucked her. Please don’t follow me Beatles-bot. Please d.. Crap! A Beatles-bot just followed me.
  10. That was cute & disgusting. Gotta lay off the acid & get him a Zyrtec. Heard cat say it & spray it: "I can haz sneezboogers.”
  11. I doodle in metric to look smarter on paper.
  12. Just got off the phone with Meat Loaf. He says he’s still not willing to share his crayons for love.
  13. As I stared into my Maruchan instant noodles, I saw Cheap Trick playing live. But, it was just their new stuff. :( ftwot
  14. They say that not every joke works. If my jokes are anything like me, then none of them do.
  15. Sucking on my slushee. Having no luck getting a brain freeze. Is it a quantum, observer/observed thing? Ahh.. Oww! There it is.
  16. Shhhh. Be quiet. Don't talk. Shut it & shut it now. Shut up! Shut your mouth! SHUT THE FUCK UP! -The key to world peace
  17. "Look at me! Look at me!" - Toddlers. And everyone on twitter.
  18. Sometimes sarcasm is scarey and hard to grasp...*pats your head softly*
  19. Twitter is my treehouse.
  20. ME. No grammar, no punctuation.. I can barely understand half the people I follow. SIS. Why bother? ME. Desperate to feel something.
  21. The humour in a tweet is inversely commensurate with how long it took to jesus fuck this tweet is boring
  22. I trash Finding Bigfoot, but I'll damned well bet I'll watch them not find bigfoot for another season.
  23. Take a deep breath.. we're all in this together.
  24. i learned quickly that you say ok when someone asks how you are and not numb
  25. Beauty is everywhere, intelligence takes many forms, common sense is better than money but kindness is the sexiest quality of all
  26. Enough with the fucking creepy hobbit shit already.
  27. Sorry. Just can't handle someone that continues to belittle the beliefs of some. Your 1000's of followers mean zero to me.
  28. You lost me at 'the bible says'.
  29. TL is full of love and smiles and bullshit.
  30. There is really no shortcut to feeling good about yourself... it simply requires doing good for others.
  31. ~ "Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald ♥
  32. not a day goes by without me thinking i've finally read the worst tweet ever.
  33. Canadian girls like it in the boot.
  34. Self righteous tweets are precursors to psychological breakdowns.
  35. Ya know how when ya wake up feelin worse than when ya wenta bed, but then the cobwebs clear and you're like "Wow I'm all better"? Not that.
  36. If I could change one thing about the world it would be this lady's haircut.
  37. Twitter ~ Where no one knows what the fuck's going on and everyone's happy with that.
  38. Sometimes you win, sometimes you slap them upside the head.
  39. Happiness - Ability to stay totally out of touch with reality 100% of the time, I can see that is old news to all of you.
  40. Almost tweeted something cool, but cut my thumb on a taquito when my phone froze in a 3-way and I wondered about an Eiffel Tower instead.
  41. 14 hours sober. Bitter, body aches, snotty, old. This may be the real me. Lady at work said, "Good morning." She won't do that shit again.
  42. Dibs on the story in which Alice in Wonderland bath salts her way straight to rehab and Aladdin goes on the lam w/ Billy Joe and Bobbie Sue.
  43. Coming up with something stupid to say, just to keep the conversation going.
  44. Who do I have to fuck to get off of this boat?
  45. You'd be surprised what you can learn to do in the dark. Like when taking a whiz, if you hear the cat run, you're prob not hitting the bowl.
  46. For the last couple weeks my nights have ended with weed, twitter and P-Funk. Can I get a hell yeah?
  47. On the bright side, it's not dark like here," the night told my light beer as I was sitting in the bushes itching and sipping.
  48. Putting ducktape over my bandages so that they don't get wet in the shower. I can already tell this is a stupid idea.
  49. It's only weird the first time.
  50. So many of you. Are soooo beautiful. Dear God, I hope you know that.
  51. If we used our words more often for good things, what a wonderful place this could be.
  52. My hidden agenda won't tell me what's going on.
  53. Why is it that the people who have the poorest perception of what they are doing are always the most fully cocksure about their dumbfuckery?
  54. The voices in my head are usually having sex & sometimes they let me watch. I asked once why the ball gag was so big, but they ignored me.
  55. What does Spiderman wear for protection? A peter parka.
  56. I think it’s about time we oil the mosh pit.
  57. Sometimes you just have to scratch your butt in public.
  58. Whaddya think of the new Twitter subsidy program paying us to tweet less? ["No program. Applies to 1 guy."] Who? ["You."] *sigh*
  59. I'm going to sleep now; please don't wake me up by touchin' my peen.
  60. I think I've been blocked by 3 new people. Or some people I followed twittercided. It's way more exotic to imagine they blocked me.
  61. Defend you? Pfft. Not if it'll cost me my Favstar status.
  62. I feel like saying “I love you” to everyone that’s being nice to me.
  63. So, I'd prepared a little speech about the futility of this world & the persecutory concept of time,but the ceiling of 140,doesn’t allow me.
  64. Why'd I lend that cow my horn? She went to foof. Got corn & shit on the handle. Lit the farts with a candle. Got poo on my shoe.
  65. Therapy session with the X boyfriend tomorrow afternoon... I'm gonna live tweet the whole thing. Too bad he's not following me...
  66. Been there, done that, got the straightjacket.
  67. People look at you funny when you say, "That's what Jesus said!" in, "That's what she said!" scenarios.
  68. Thanks to all you wonderful folks for adding me to your Fstar list. But I'm blocked there.
  69. At some point , drunk tweets aren't funny anymore. I don't know those points.
  70. It's like, OK dad, I'll bite. How embarrassing am I??
  71. Was dozing off waiting on Twitter to redeem itself. Dreamed I saw Facebook and Twitter streetwalking together. They'd swapped heads.
  72. You'll be pleased to know that you can sign a pro-privacy petition through the main page of Mozilla's Firefox. Which the NSA is monitoring
  73. So, if a bunch of unicorns is called a blessing, I wonder what a bunch of unicorn poop called? Pondering for my socks in the laundry.
  74. I hear the pitter patter of the twitter chatter on my safety helmet. I think it’s tapping out SOS in Morse code, & spelling it wrong.
  75. This door's ajar so that I can put my door jamb in it.
  76. I turned on my robot slinky at Great Wall. Police: “Make stop!” I pushed Off spring. Got 10 kids. Broke Chinese law. Now I’m in jail.
  77. Got book called, “The Hidden Messages in Water," but by time I read it, it was too late. Took bath with my answering machine already.
  78. Ok, now I know. You can't catch catch an egg. What? Why'd I keep throwing 'em at you? Because I didn't wanna keep carrying carton.
  79. Damn Typos and Auto-Incorrect and the government and incorrectly battered fish.
  80. It's time to quit retail when you're perched on tower in kids' books with crossbow screaming, "BRING IT ZOMBIES!" & they're just customers.
  81. You had me at "get bent."
  82. Too high to follow The Dukes of Hazzard storyline.
  83. I just wrote a really funny tweet about draft tweets and saved it to my drafts folder because THE WORLD ISN'T READY FOR THIS SHIT.
  84. My former coworker claimed she didn't get hair on her toe knuckles. Pfft.
  85. Sometimes when the only tool you've got is a hammer all your problems begin to look like people who need to be hit in the head with a hammer
  86. If God IS up there looking down on everything we do I'm fairly certain he spends a great deal of his day face palming :/
  87. What this country needs are more honky tonks.
  88. 'i think i've created muenster' -cheese factory
  89. do you ever drink a glass of water? what's going on there
  90. Well, it's official. My tweets are wack. They've hit the bottom of the barrel. No, not the 'wack barrel'. The 'even wacker' barrel.
  91. 7's make me feel awkward & uncomfortable.
  92. Let me check my priorities: People before machines; Children & aged before us; Beauty before pretty; Listen to the hurt; Be kind & play nice
  93. You go to drain the goose & instead a pond of geese gets drained to find Lao Tzu's lost Zeus thunderbolt, so zoo man bans you. That.
  94. Well, I stand corrected & in a buttload of pain. Soon as I called them all a buncha rat bastards, their father bit the shit outta me.
  95. The pug dreamed of growing up to be a rebel thug boxer that wore briefs, exclusively.
  96. There's a hot guy at this party. I might have to show the girls.
  97. In my other world I totally understand what you just said.
  98. Retweeting is a kind and generous act like helping a little old lady cross the road.
  99. I don't care what anyone says. Taking off a bra with one hand should be considered an Olympic sport... Falls into bed.. Exhausted..
  100. One day I looked in the mirror and didn't like what I saw. So I broke the mirror.
  101. I have to get over the immoral damnation I have with buying my own sex slave before I can buy Twitter followers.
  102. People say they are passionate about things. They say things like, 'I am passionate about envelopes.'
  103. I know what you're thinking. It's too late for me to get into the Rap game. We shall see.
  104. "Wow. Long week. I'm wiped." - my ass
  105. Two heads aren't better than one if you're both stupid.
  106. Going to change my avi to just a capital letter. I think it'll be a '3'.
  107. Dude, you should totally scroll up and talk to her.
  108. "I'm pretty sure that girl behind me just clapped in joy as she pulled her car into this Taco Bell drivethru" - girl in car in front of me.
  109. Who put the ram in the ramalammadingdong?
  110. I play guitar, get a stupid ass thought, stop, & tweet it. I'm having my own personal episode of Hee Haw.
  111. Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no ones definition of your life, define yourself~H Firestone
  112. ~ "The point is not to pay back kindness but to pass it on." – Julia Alvarez ♥
  113. Whatever is going to happen will happen, whether we worry or not. - Ana Monnar ♥
  114. RT : Let life be a fantasy~ Allow it to tease & tantalize your mind ~ Kaz ♥
  115. DM: I'm following you ironically.
  116. This dialogue between Chance & Destiny is my logout tweet for today. I will return sooner next time… !
  117. Space aliens are probably light years ahead of us with their advanced couch technology.
  118. Don't blame the sandwich.
  119. My Earth Day plans? Just hang out with the Earth, and then maybe watch some TV with it later.
  120. you can't spell 'go to bed' without 'no'
  121. I really must schedule a come to jesus meeting with the birds.
  122. Hubby called the neighbors 2day, because their lights were on at 2 a.m.He asked if everythng was OK & found out it was none of his businss.
  123. In Disney movies when they say ''And they lived happily ever after'' they never explain whether it was together or apart.
  124. Dear all drivers of the world, Blinker before brake. Say it with me. "Blinker BEFORE brake." Blinker, then brake. BLINK BLINK BLINK, BRAKE.
  125. A hug is like a boomerang - you get it back right away ~Bil Keane, ♎ ♥
  126. any 1 out there with their very own island that is interested in starting a completely hallucinogenic themed commune...own apt works too
  127. *This is not a tweet* Just thought you could use some eye candy in your TL. Just paying it forward, people.
  128. "When I saw that my cat's food DIDN'T include my vagina, I thought 'My cat's not eating that!'" - How we interpret most cat food commercials
  129. Thanks to all the people that make an effort to keep Twitter a fun and safe place for us to come and be appreciated for being ourselves.
  130. I'm pretty sure that finding out a new pope was chosen from Twitter means I've fully left the church.
  131. Wives: If you ever need some "alone time," just send your husband out for Red Zinger™ tea. It took mine an hour and three stores to find it!
  132. The scotch must have kicked in because I whispered the shit out of that derogatory comment
  133. I don’t see how he can snore that loud & not wake up.
  134. Hey - Do we as a Nation need to have that one talk again? Y'know, about shorts and black socks? Because that's where the violence comes from
  135. I don't wanna be TOO famous. Just famous enough that people start incorrectly crediting things I say to Mark Twain.
  136. They gotta make a 'Friends' film where all the actors reprise their roles. Except of course for Courtney Cox who's replaced by Nelly Furtado
  137. Jesus christ, what does your Tweet even mean.
  138. I have a soft spot for the absurd ones here.
  139. Anyone know where I would be able to purchase a walking harness for a middle-aged female? My mother's bothering the neighbours again.
  140. I watch cartoons with my lil' sisters, only because when they ask me something... -I AM ALL KNOWING- godly pose*
  141. About to get thrown out of Home Depot.
  142. Fuck off you little force to be reckoned with. *Subtweet to self*
  143. My twitter feed is always like one dude infatuated with me and a bunch of people whispering disagreement with everything I say.
  144. It's time to make change! "You mean, make a change?" *shakes head no & backs into coin star machine*
  145. When society collapses & history books are burned, it'll be fuckin hilarious when the aliens try to decipher fact from fiction on Twitter.
  146. You'd appreciate this tweet way more if you could see how handsome I am.
  147. No, YOUR tweet is stupid!
  148. If you're my friend. There's never a need to hurt me. I've always been broken. Just accept me & love me.. unconditionally.
  149. Why doesn't McDonald's have onion rings? Also, Ross was my least favorite Friend.
  150. Put a balloon filled with grape soda under your shirt. Go into McDonalds. Pop balloon. Yell GRIMACE MY WATER JUST BROKE. Steal fries. Leave
  151. The ballet slippers hanging above my headboard really have to go. If anything I should tape a gutted chip bag up there.
  152. I look forward to growing old and eating wet cat food with you.
  153. It's nice when a man can look you in the eyes even if it's only because he has a 3rd nipple and is simply unimpressed that you only have 2.
  154. See, if I get a job, I can't sit there & massage my boob like I'm doing right now, on my couch, talking to my only friends on the internets.
  155. Employment is overrated, I have degree.
  156. if you are like me and have so many one socks go talk to steve
  157. You guys are my codependent enablers, accelerating my cognitive dissonance. that's all I learned in rehab.
  158. The worst part of working so much is not knowing what joke formats are currently 'in' on twitter right now. Plus, fucking tired. Word.
  159. Hes calling me dumb b/c I've answered "I don't know" to every questions he's asked, yet HE keeps asking me questions. Who's the dummy?
  160. Yeah, I do yoga a few times a week. And by yoga I mean shave my legs
  161. The thing I hate most about retweeting & favoring is not being able to star & retweet EVERYONE. Retweet people. Lots of talent out there.
  162. I take Twittter breaks to re-grow brain cells. You can damn near run out if you're not careful.
  163. The man on TV says he thinks Jonah's whale was a submarine built by a race of undersea dwelling extraterrestrials. Meesa don't likin' da.
  164. Lets all agree that when inbred hillbillies are allowed to orate on public airwaves that its not to be taken seriously.
  165. 'Weird Twitter' implies that there is a part of Twitter that isn't weird.
  166. My favorite part about twitter is where we can openly be friends with whomever we like and everyone else shuts the fuck up about it.
  167. I know plenty of Spanish. Amigo = friend. Pequeno = little. Gracias = thank you. Soy sauce = I am sauce.
  168. Rappers and hip hop artists: Please stop using the same word to rhyme with itself. Don't you know that doesn't count?
  169. We'll wait to subtweet you until we're sure your dumb ass is asleep.
  170. When I make $1,000,000 off these tweets, I'm gonna hire a guy to separate the chocolate out of my Neapolitan. The other 2 flavors are lame.
  171. I think I might've hit the point of diminishing returns with human interaction.
  172. Me: say what? Me: What. Me: shut up. Me: but you told me to say it....
  173. Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she's had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she's talking about right now
  174. Try 2 explain Twitter 2 friend. Fact I am followed by horse, 3 dogs, cat, brown paper bag and a vegetable I don't recognise, doesn't help.
  175. I asked the waitress if the "Surf and Turf" special is some kind of shaggy fish taco. I thought it was a perfectly legitimate question.
  176. Okay, pms is getting to me. Crying because people are nice to me on twitter.
  177. If you knew how many times I hit 'comment' then 'cancel' half way through you'd thank me. Or unfollow. Or both. Maybe neither. Meh, whatevs.
  178. Do people who live where hurricanes happen still like to be rocked like one?
  179. There are many bad things happening. There are many good things happening...the tricky thing is enjoy and balance. To experience and let go.
  180. When I see a 4yo tweet get RTed, I think “wow, wisdom from the Ancient Ones”
  181. have you a hand with which to pet me? o.O
  182. Instead of sending me on a meaningless search for information no one cares about, send me of on a vandalism spree. I'll start with ur house.
  183. Another day at the game with those who don't play fair. Another point to prove with those at the top who are ungrateful.But we laugh thru it
  184. Isn't it refreshing to know that we will all go down in history as the great philosophers of our time?
  185. In Heaven, there will be dairy cows singing in our showers. Forever.
  186. There are those who mock your stupidity, and those who gladly help you learn. Hats off to the kind ones!
  187. Only when I can let go of one thing or another, will something new come to me...
  188. Sometimes if you relax when things are falling apart......those parts fall exactly into place.
  189. It all went to hell when attacking what we hate became more important than defending what we love.
  190. You see, that's the advantage of being a mentally disabled employee. You can destroy anything & they can't do anything about it.
  191. find what's good in the mythology find what's wise find what's honorable find what's love
  192. They got my McFucking order wrong.
  193. Think about how you would like to be portrayed in a movie & treat people accordingly.
  194. somethin in the air a nefarious crumpled box appears says "open when ready" fidgety & twitchy at 1st she knew to open it she had to not care
  195. Today is a day with a name The name of "Good", a little inane A day you eat a bun that's angry & hot Buns that are hot? I like them a lot!
  196. Getting “your princess is in another castle” as a tramp stamp.
  197. I have to say this.....If you unfollow anyone on this TL, it's because you don't know reality. Get with it. Life isn't a god fart.
  198. Just saw Zooey Deschanel's forehead without bangs in a hair commercial and now I don't know what's real anymore.
  199. The floor was still wet and I hid dirty pots and pans in the oven. Been doing yard work for days, and now the appraiser just left. Beer me.
  200. Not only am I the president of sweaty girl butts dot com, I'm also a client.
  201. Made some major life changes today: Carrying my keys in my left pocket now. Also using Album View on iTunes.
  202. I'm not going to tell anyone how to do twitter, discover and learn as in real life but don't give up.
  203. There's a lot of people on here that seem to think that weird is a substitute for funny. It's not.
  204. Now if you decided to watch cartoons, take some good pillz, and eat a pizza before noon... THAT I would love to hear about
  205. I'm single because monogamy. It's not my thing.Nobody's asked to be monogamous with me but whatever.
  206. Borrow the tweets all you want. They are all watermarked with my DNA. You’re basically using my Viking semen to help spread the good word.
  207. If a friend's fly is down in public, I silently flop a boob out so they don't feel self-conscious.
  208. Don't fret about your follower count. More followers just means more people who don't get your jokes.
  209. 'I don't think there's a place where people understand loneliness more than here.'
  210. There's something wrong with the world. You don't know what it is. But it's like a splinter in your mind driving you mad.
  211. Got a job that requires me to be sober. So sad.
  212. If I ever become disgruntled with my current employer,I'm entitled to 6 servers, 8 routers, all of the copper, & the bipolar admin assistant
  213. All together and by the numbers. 1-click on a tweet. 2-click on Favorite. 3-click on Retweet, click Retweet. Very good. Now again 1-click...
  214. In heaven everybody kickflips.
  215. Applied for another job today. Pretty sure if we don't get this one we're going to their office to throw a tantrum on the floor.
  216. 2all dTweeps who follome Me offa thnx 2lady, gentleman, gleefully 2Bogan &2Skanx I offa my gratitude&such I like uall, let's just not touch
  217. I had one thing I wanted to do this weekend - eat 40 pancakes at one sitting - and of course I never even got to IHOP. Me & my grand plans.
  218. life ~ the funniest thing that isn't
  219. It's just my eyes, nose, phone & fingers sticking out from the covers. So awesome. I'm cozy. You can't see me. It's like we're not here.
  220. I guess people who don't tweet all day long do stuff.
  221. I feel sorry for the coins in the fountain that don't make it into the cool coin club...think I'll go & save them & possibly buy some pizza
  222. When are the next elections for queen? I want to run against Queen Elizabeth.
  223. To be fair I suggest rock, paper, scissors. None of which beats boob flash so I do everything around here..........with a smile on my face.
  224. Hope this doesn't sound horribly racist, but I kinda don't like people who talk about the projected futures of their companies.
  225. While I nodded nearly napping, suddenly there came a scratching, then a screaming and meowing, shut the fuck up cat-- Poe if he had a cat
  226. I once knew a man who made a room out of garage doors & showed films of his wife giving him head. It was odd but the films were fairly good.
  227. Reaching out for you, reaching out for me~ Swinging for fingertips that brush so tantalisingly~ Inwardly I shake~ Touch or not, I ache.
  228. I sure hope you don't get laid cause we don't need anymore inspirational tweeters <3
  229. One who has reason on his side has no need to shout loudly. ~ Unknown
  230. I really don't want to follow people that steal tweets--not because it's a crime but why can't you think of your own idiot tweets.
  231. Which one of you eggs is my employer?
  232. You're all silly. And I like it. And love most of you. So shut it poopy head Xxx
  233. I hate when a guy ruins my new shirt by sticking his hands and his face inside while I'm trying to write this fucking tweet.
  234. Remember, don't just unfollow. Be sure to block me on your way out too. Gotta keep them numbers at +2 ;-)
  235. The secret to twitter? Don’t be an asshole.
  236. All I wanna do is a tweet where I can use "rolls eyes and does jerk-off motion"...
  237. Most of my job involves a lot of slouching.
  238. Remember when just seeing a nipple slip was enough to get you off? Now we need hi-def cream pies while we're high and the dog is barking.
  239. What's simultaneously so inexpressibly sad and yet also so wonderful is this: life goes on.
  240. Twitter makes single vehicle accidents fun & utility pole ownership possible.
  241. Everyone is full of random senseless shit that's only stokes egos. That's the essence of every tweet.
  242. It's like happy people are just begging to be openly mocked.
  243. thankfully, if you swear loudly and regularly, whole groups of people stop talking to you altogether.
  244. I almost certainly fuck things up & get it wrong. Often. Always(?) But my stupid heart's in the right fucking place.
  245. If you get me sick you must massage my feet, make me cupcakes and organise little people unicorn jousting. I don't make the rules. Ok I do.
  246. I would love to make a real, emotional connection with a man who wouldn't mind making booze runs.
  247. The problem nowadays is that the stupid are fucking confident and the smart are insecure.
  248. Wisc. Man w/ vitamin D deficiency punches baby on plane. Dane Cook prime suspect.
  249. I stayed up for this? This is ALL late-night twitter hasta offer?? Falls over on bed. Fine. Just get it over with.
  250. if we were bears i'd wrestle you and then we'd walk down by the river and get some honey and get our paws all sticky
  251. *sneaks in* *throws a shoe at your head* *whispers* "Hi... Shhhh... Goodnight. Ok, bye." *blows a kiss* *slaps own ass* *sneaks out* *cries*
  252. I was super excited until I learned it was a math thing and not a chocolate cream filled thing. :(
  253. The best way to cheer yourself is to cheer somebody else up. - Albert Einstein ♥
  254. If you can’t explain it to a six year old, you don’t understand it yourself. - Albert Einstein ♥
  255. ~ "Forget past mistakes. Forget failures. Forget everything except what you're going to do now and do it." – William C. Durant ♥
  256. They say you're only as good as your last tweet to gain followers. So... I'm slipping this one in here to avoid ANY misconceptions.
  257. I'm gonna go to twitter. It will make me feel better.
  258. After going to Walmart and looking around, I'm pretty sure I'm the cream of the crop.
  259. " Curses! Foiled again!!" ~ Leftovers~
  260. okay, I can see trouble approaching; it’s wearing cowboy hat.
  261. *note to self* Do more Al Sharpton jokes
  262. I told my daughter if she worked hard she’d end up just like me. Then she cried herself to sleep.
  263. I know I'll lose followers over this, but I'm just gonna say it--the Safety Dance isn't a very good song.
  264. "Great things are not done by impulse, but by a series of small things brought together." – Vincent van Gogh

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